Recapping as Therapy: Part 1, Paranormal State

Preamble Ramblings….

As I mentioned earlier, my raging case of Sons of Anarchy withdraw has been maddening.  It’s like an itch in the middle of my back that I can’t reach and there is no one around I can ask to do the scratching. There is nothing.  I repeat nothing by way of quality drama programming that comes close to my beloved SAMCRO.  I haven’t resorted to re-watching Season One yet because, quite frankly, I’m a junkie and I’ll burn through it and the Tivo’ed Season Two in less than a week.

So, I’m looking for an alternative.  Something to satisfy my fangirl obsessive-compulsive disorder.  Where better to look than your own Tivo?  Especially if there is someone who lives in your house who gets season passes for things that you would never consider watching.  Yes, I’m talking about Mr. Kayteadee.  As I was paging through the selections that he had so thoughtfully recorded for me for comedic purposes, I had a rare flash of brilliance.  I’ll recap some of his favorite shows in my search to find something to fill the Sons of Anarchy void.  When I told him of my diabolical plan, he was, um…  well…  amused… and he requested one thing and one thing only:  that I no longer refer to him as Mr. Kayteadee but instead refer to him as The Long Suffering Husband.  Being a good little wifey, his wish is my command.  The LSH has been torturing me with watching Paranormal State for the past few seasons.  In my attempt to fill the huge hole that SOA has left, here is my recap of Paranormal State 58, Haunted Sex Dungeon.

Now, On to the Recap!

 If you don’t know, the general premise is that there is a rag-tag bunch of student types at Penn State who “investigate” alleged paranormal activity.  They pay a house visit, usually to a house that looking like it belongs on an episode of Hoarders. Sleuthing ghosts, spirits, goblins, demons, and Big Foot ensues under the auspices of some form of “science” that seems to involve lots of gadgets but no actual basis of scientific inquiry.  Throw in a healthy dose of mystical Catholicism that and a generous dash of exorcisms and you’ve got yourself an episode of Paranormal State. 

Ken, the homeowner and his son Nano (Nano.  Really?  Who names or even nicknames their kid Nano?) have been experiencing the heebie jeebies in their actually nice home on Grayhaven Island outside Detroit.  They have been hearing footsteps and doors opening and closing.  Certainly no human could have done this.  But perhaps an old house just makes creepy sounds.  This poor bastard Ken has lawsuits piling up, he’s on the verge of losing the house, and he is wondering if it is some thing in the house that doesn’t want him there.  Something, like you know a curse.   Oh, and before I forget Nano and his pal had a little incident that cause the friend to get freaked out and sleep on a cot in Nano’s room.  I’m not going to touch that with a 10 foot pole considering that I find it highly unlikely that a house that has two men in it and is barley furnished in the first place to have a fucking cot.  But moving on…

            So Ken gives that rag-tag bunch of supernatural D&D kids sleuths a tour of the house.  Down in the boat well (how cool is that to have a boat well in your house) Ken demonstrates how sometimes the door is standing wide open and he hears voices and knocking. As the poor SOB demonstrated how the door is standing open, he pulls it tightly closed.  Hmmm.  Now I’m going to stop right here and point out two things.  (1) Maybe the door is open because you and your son don’t properly close it all the way.  (2) Perhaps the reason you hear voices and knocking in the boat well area is because noise travels very easily across water.  Just a couple of thoughts that aren’t ghosty related.  Perhaps that could be tested. Just not on this show.

            Wrapping up the tour, Ken takes the “investigators” to the game room where they discover that his previous tenants had installed lockers to use the house as a….  wait for it…. a fucking sex club.  And they just so happened to leave behind a S&M torture board and a kinky wheel of fortune.  Now I don’t know about ya’ll but wouldn’t that be the first thing you would have gotten rid of when you moved in.  Or maybe not.  You all are a bunch of sick bastards and I love you for it.

            Our paranormal “investigators” talk to some local historians who inform them that basically the whole island is sacred Native American land with a track record of failed development projects.  Hmmm.  Now this could be interesting but do our sleuths take it any further?  Nope.  They go straight to what they call Dead Time where they use night vision cameras and plop themselves down in the house to taunt the angry “spirits.”  Some allegedly disembodied voice tells a big FatGuy in Nano’s bedroom and it tells FatGuy to “Get out.” Luckily it has been recorded for them to play back to prove that it happened.  Just not what caused it like the FatGuy saying it under his breath or Nano his pals standing in the closet fucking with him.  Meanwhile, Chief Charlatan Investigator Ryan sees the lights flicker in what was surely caused by some paranormal poltergeisty thing and not a power surge in an old house or a homeowner fucking with him.    

            Our rag-tag bunch of supernatural sleuths are unable to figure out what is going on after running their little Dead Time experiment so they go back to collecting data by talking to the previous owners and descendents.  The most recent previous owner was initially skeeved out by the house, attributed to the ghost of the previous owner.  Oh and BTW, he also found an iron cross with a swastika in the yard.  The family of Hans, the original owner met with our happy-go-ghosty D&D kids.  Apparently Hans was a bit of a tyrant who didn’t put up with a lot of bullshit.  And if you ask me, there was something hinkey going on with his descendents who protested too much that good old Hans wasn’t involved in either of the World Wars.  But that is neither here no there.    

            To get to the bottom of this fake ghosty evil curse problem, the “investigators” call in a medium.  I shit you not, a fucking medium.  At this point in the show I am writhing in pain.  Pleading with the LSH to MAKE IT STOP—PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME WATCH THIS HORSESHIT ANY MORE. WHEN IS SONS OF ANARCHY COMING BACK?  IS IT SEPTEMBER YET?  AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGG.

            Okay, I’m better now.  I’ve regained my composure.  So the medium, Chip Coffee gets “pushed” on the stairs, voices tell him to get the fuck out of the house, and he has a full on hissy fit freak out when he touches the S&M tie down board in the sex dungeon of epic “haunting” fail.

            The conclusion that the paranormal “investigators” reach is that Hans’ spirit is still lingering in the house.  And not the possibility that all of this could be explained by old house creaks, a son with a pal who likes to snuggle at night, and a boat well with a sticky door that allows sound to carry across the water.  I’m just sayin.  Apparently Hans’s spirit and has a no-nonsense way about it that doesn’t approve of the sex dungeon of doom.   

            To fix the “curse” and end the “haunting” Ken removes the S&M equipment from the house.  (So I was wondering, what do you do with that?  Leave it curbside for Monday morning trash pick up?  Donate it to Goodwill?  Sell it on Craigslist?)  Then Ken “reclaims” his house.  The end.  Thank God this show is only 30 minutes long.  It is September yet?