What Would Gemma Do At The Movies

The LSH and I went to see Avatar on Friday. What could happen?  It’s just a movie, right?  We get to the theatre; I preordered tickets to make sure we would be able to see it in 3D. Who goes to a workday matinee aside from a consultant and a grad student?  Apparently every old fart, fanboy, and redneck that lives in a 60-mile radius goes to a weekday matinee. (No seriously, I live in a smallish coastal town and this movie theatre is the most posh one for 60 miles so we tend to get people from out in the sticks.)  More importantly, people who talk during movies go to see a weekday matinee.

The theater was fucking packed to the gills.  We had choice middle-center seats and right before the previews began two couples came and sat down next to yours truly.  The LSH totally lucked out and had an empty chair with the coats next to him.  So during the previews, the couple closest to me begins talking.  I kind of figured this was okay because hey, it’s a preview, no biggie.

Once the movie finally begins they continue talking.  I turn to the LSH and whisper, “Ohmygawd these people are talking.” The LSH informs me that I too am talking.  Sigh.  He was right.  So I shut up.  So the people stop talking for a few “wows” during the opening sequence.  Fine.  It was wow-some.  And then the talking begins again.  I tune them out but the chatter is incessant.  I listen in and figure out that the man is explaining the movie to the woman in real time.  Like he is narrating it for her.  I officially named these people The Narrators.

When I realize what The Narrators are doing, I take a deep breath and wonder, What Would Gemma Do?  While I’m pondering this, I also remember The Crow Blogger’s new year’s resolution:  be fierce.  Talking during a movie is wrong, wrong, wrong—particularly in a crowded movie theatre.  This isn’t a gray area.  I came up with a list of options:

1. Gemma would get up and leave.
2. Gemma would ask them to be quiet.
3. Gemma would tell them to shut the fuck up.   
4. Gemma would pull out her gun and point it at them to get the message across.       
5. Gemma would realize that she is going to be stuck next to these people for the next 3 hours and decide to tune them out and enjoy the movie. 
6. Gemma would realize that she is going to be stuck next to these people for the next 3 hours and decide to tune them out and enjoy the movie.   But after the movie she would tell them what’s what.  

Really, I think that Gemma would probably do #2 or #3 but I also doubt very highly that Gemma Teller-Morrow would be caught dead seeing Avatar with Clay on a Friday afternoon.  Gemma might go see it with Unser, but certainly not Clay.  

Since I am somewhat conflict-averse but not a total wimp, I opted for #6.  After the movie was finally over, I, with a full bladder and an angry soul, turned to the offending couple and said "Did you enjoy the movie?"  {{{{Crickets from The Narrators}}}} So I continued, finger shaking and said, "Because you people talked through the entire movie.  Thanks for ruining it for me.  You weren't watching it your living room, you were watching it a movie theatre sitting next to me.........."  And the the LSH took me by the hand and led me away.  He said, "What were you thinking?"  I answered, "What Gemma would do."  He audibly sighed, rolled his eyes, and we were out the door. 

Oh, and if anyone cares my thoughts on Avatar after the jump

• Only a white man could/would make this movie
• The visuals were a-fucking-mazing.  The plot:  not so much.  
• Generally, all of the characters were stereotypes of corporate douchebags, geeky scientist, military mercenaries, and native peoples.  To the point of being offensive to all of them.  Particularly the native peoples.
• Unobtainium?  You couldn't come up with a better name for it than that?  I still don't understand why it was so valuable.
• Blue cat people bumping uglies under the tree of knowledge/god/peace/ancestors.  Gross.
• All the blue cat people have a phallus.  It is in their ponytails.  The plug into each other's life force or something.  I don't know.  
•  The best (and amazingly most subtle) Hollywood political jab was when the corporate and military types took the video diary of the main character, which was the "data" from the research project for their own evil purposes.
• I didn't care enough about any of the characters to remember their names.  
• When the big battle of cat people armageddon goes down, I didn't want the plot to get in the way of the graphics.