Sons of Anarchy, Season 3, Episode 9 Turas, Recap

Previously on As the Harley Rumbles, Jax got played by Kellan Ashby, Tara and Lyla bonded over their right to choose, and other shit happened. And on this episode of Sons of Anarchy? I'm not sure that much of anything happened either in terms of character development or forward movement of the plot. However, I feel less cranky than I initially did about Turas. But, to the recap/bitch machine and let's hash this out. 

First, let's look at things that happened in Belfast. Liam O'Neil, on instructions from Jimmy O, was ready to set the boom on SAMCRO and McGee in the barn of great gun concealing creativity. And this is where my complaints start to come in. I am very interested in and care about the Belfast story line, particularly the IRA/SAMBEL/Jimmy O/SAMCRO political machinations. But, I feel like there is too much subterfuge and too little substance to the story line. The Sons are in jeopardy and they are in over their heads, but but the hows and whys are unclear. Moreover, while I love Maureen and could watch Jimmy O be scary as shit all day long, I feel like other supporting characters that I have grown to know and love have been marginalized. Can I tell you how much I miss getting more screen time for Bobby Elvis and Juice? 

But in all of my bitching and moaning, Belfast scenes that put together characters that don't regularly interact--like the fabulous scene with all those firece women in Maureen's kitchen happen and it makes me very happy. When Jimmy O pays Gemma, Fiona, Maureen, Kerrianne, and Trinity a visit, it brings the scary ramifications of his dangerous character into focus. This I loved. How incredibly bad ass were all of these women, especially Fiona. Jimmy O was brilliant and menacing. I want to see them reunited in the future just to see the badassery that will go down. 

And -- brace yourselves for this one kids -- Gemma pissed me off during this episode. It was fantastic to see her confront Kellan Ashby with full sincerity and not an ounce of fear (another one of those scenes with characters we rarely see together). She got in the way of moving the story forward twice. TWICE. Gemma interrupted Fiona when she was about to elaborate on Kellan Ashby and then she stopped Ashby himself when he brought up John Teller. TWICE. AND WE ARE ON EPISODE 9 OF A 13. THERE IS NO TIME FOR THIS. WHY AM I IMITATING JACK BAUER?

So, let me turn the caps lock off and turn my attention to Charming. While more happened in Charming, it felt very superficial. Finally, finally Unser started doing "cop shit" for matters unrelated to SAMCRO.  Enter Oswald to look out for his own economic and political interests by questioning who is buying up all of these buildings. 

Oh and hai Jacob Hale you sweaty rat bastard in a cheap suit from JC Penney. Of course Salazar and his girlfran have an app for blackmail. Duuuuhhhh. The thing that bothers the shit out of me me is that there is no way that Salazar should reasonably still be alive to kidnap Tara. Other than to kidnap Tara. That man should have never walked out of the park restroom and the Sons are smart enough to know that. Tara's kidnapping bothers me too but I'm going to save that for another post. Last but certainly not least, there was Margaret's enormous back tattoo. It doesn't look MC related to me. Perhaps she was a groupie in the 1970s? Just a guess but now we know that the sister can relate. 

 Bits and Pieces

• I love Tig, Kozick, and Piney. If noting else, those three need their on Terriers-esqu spin off. But why does Piney hate Tig so much? 
• Will someone please, pretty please tell Jax and Trinity that they are half-sibilings? The closing scene squicked me out a lot less than the scenes in Lochan Mor but that worries me. Maybe I'm getting used to it but there's a level of familiarity there that could be interesting on a sibling level. I want to get past this incest fear and see what they are like as brother and sister. 
• Happy asking where Liam was going while Happy just wondered. Awesome.
• Thank you, Jax for exercising caution and trying to see all the pieces on the Irish chessboard before proceeding. 
• I take it that Liam meant to off McGee too, right?
• The ghost of John Teller appeared. Cool or dorky?

Finally, a smart commenter @volalupi raised this point in the initial post about Turas and I think it's worth repeating. She wrote:

My biggest annoyance is that not once has the group come out ahead and I just don't think they are that stupid or inept. Being out done some of the time I can bite off on, but getting creamed every time by every one..not so much.

I think that is one of the reasons that I've been so cranky with the show this season. I'm totally along for the ride in expanding the SAMCRO world by sending the characters to Belfast. I get it. I trust Kurt Sutter. I'm all in. It's just that certain elements of the plot have felt like they've been artificially extended or certain devices have been unclear or clunky. Furthermore, like volalupi said, I just find it more and more implausible that the Sons are outdone by their antagonists every single time.

Your thoughts? The comments section awaits.

As always, a very special thanks to @amonmich for the screen caps. Go check out her blog

Sons of Anarchy, Season 3, Episode 8 Lochan Mor, Recap

So previously on As the Harley Rumbles, we were going to Belfast ya'll and in Lochan Mor (the big pond), SAMCRO has arrived and shit is going on in Charming. Anywho since the action was split by location, I'm going to do the same thing with the recap. To the recapmobile!

Warning: contains profanity, irritation with the main character--aw hell, most of the primary characters-- and general crankiness.

SAMCRO arrives in Belfast ready to kick some ass and get Abel back have tea and party down. The Sons arrive in a swirl of political intrigue between SAMBEL, Jimmy O, and the IRA. Frankly, I don't trust any of these assholes. Maybe McGee. Maybe. However, the rest of those McBastards can go suck a dick. Like for seriously. First, Jimmy O was trying to get SAMCRO deported before they even arrived in Belfast. Then, the IRA tried to send a message by shooting up Fiona and Kerrieanne's transport. Then, Jimmy O and Liam were scheming about something that we'll find out about in the next episode. And, finally, there's the shit with Father Ashby at the end. It makes my head hurt.  

While Clay cleverly coerces the corrupt Gardai into letting the Sons slip away from Jimmy's evil clutches of deportation, that's about the only thing that goes well for SAMCRO in Belfast. You need to look no further than one Jackson Teller for a source of general dumbassery. Blah blah blah, Jax is going to Belfast to get his kid. Like he's been talking about getting his kid back for the last two weeks/eight episodes. But he does jack shit about it. I know, I know. It's what Hamlet would do. Jax arrives in Belfast and and what does he do? Does he insist on seeing Kellan Ashby like now motherfuckers? Nope. He has tea with Maureen, nearly makes out with his secret half sister, tosses back a few beers, boxes with Liam, gets creepy flirty with his half sister again, and then is finally summoned by Ashby.  

I don't know how much more clearly Kurt Sutter can make his point: Jax doesn't think that he deserves to be happy and to have his son back given his choice to live as an outlaw. Jax is drowning in self loathing and it's overwhelming. When I watched the episode the first time, I thought that Ashby's vow that Abel will be home with his loving family was a bit of the good Father's trickery that Jax didn't notice. But after a second and third watch, I wonder if Jax caught Fr. Ashby's drift. At this point, I think that Jax hates himself so much that he would give up his child to ensure that Sweet Baby Abel would be safe. Jax has already kicked Tara to the curb in a way that he obviously disgraced himself. 

My rambling, vodka-fueled rage does have a point and here goes: Abel isn't coming back to Charming. If Jax keeps on this trajectory, Abel's happily ever after is what Kellan Ashby says it is and that HEA isn't with Jax. (Side note: Did anyone else pick up on the Kellan Ashby was John Teller's "spiritual advisor" in the SOA app? What is this guy? An Irish Catholic cult leader?) Mark my words, Abel is going to live to see the end of the season, but he'll never be crossing that pond. Now, that could change if Jax decides to MAN THE FUCK UP and get The Kid Back already. But something has to happen to trigger Jax's decision to pull up his big boy panties and just deal with the situation. 

But lest we think that the whole trip to Belfast has been a total bust, at least Chibs was reunited with his family. Oh ya'll I totally cried when the Chibs/Fiona/Kerrianne hug went down. So. Very. Touching. Of course it won't last for long and one of them is likely to end up dead, knowing this show.

I'm leaving out a lot here in the interest of catching up time but of course there were other interesting things going on in Belfast. Gemma is in despair and fear being separated from her family while in prison. All of the scenes with Gemma and Maureen were pure brilliance. And last but certainly not least: WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE TELL JAX AND TRINITY BEFORE THEY KISS OR FUCK OR SHOWER TOGETHER OR SOMETHING. Okay, yes, I feel better now. But that whole situation is totally skeeving me out.

Meanwhile, back in Charming, there's a lot of story building going on so the Sons will have plenty awaiting them when they return from Belfast. Can I tell you how much I love the idea of Tara, Chuckie, Tig, Kozick, and Piney running Teller-Morrow Automotive while everyone is gone? Like that could be the best spin off sitcom.  Anyways, Tara and Lyla bond over differing degrees of secret babies and decisions about what to do about said secret babies. Lyla proves herself to be neither stupid nor naive--and a wee bit hilarious with the alias she gave the abortion clinic.  Jax (and Opie) can talk about old ladies and keeping them on the inside or the outside all they fucking want. Jax may want to do the noble, self sacrificing thing, but the fact of the matter is that they aren't they only ones making relationship decisions in this universe and thank God that Tara and Lyla are the ones making the decisions.

Finally, we got a glimpse into the dynamics of the Tig/Kozick relationship. Apparently their fued is over a woman that Tig love 8 years ago. And that he thinks of her every day. Uh. I'm hoping that we don't actually ever meet this woman because that bit of knowledge is terrifying.

There was a lot more that happened in Charming--Jacob Hale, Salazar, Unser, Margaret at St. Rednecks--but I'm just going to leave things here for now. Your thoughts? The comments section awaits....

As always, a very special thanks to @amonmich for the screen caps. Go check out her blog

Sons of Anarchy, Season 3, Episode 7 Widening Gyre, Recap

Previously on As the Harley Rumbles, Jax was a shit and made a deal with the devil, Tara was preggers, and SAMCRO made peace with the Mayans.

Widening Gyre is the story of SAMCRO intrigue. Oh, and SAMCRO getting their mojo back and THANK GOD because all of the unease and uncertainty from the previous 6 episodes were sending me on the fast track to klonopin-influenced television watching. Windening Gyre delivered on its promise of showing us the further deepening vortex of bad shit that SAMCRO is stuck in.

The SAMCRO/Mayan/Grim Bastards/Calaveras revenge negotiations for the particularly gruesome death a of Grim Bastard were brilliant for two reasons. First, we got to see the dynamics of the alliance with the Mayans work. And quick like. It was great to see SAMCRO on sure footing in how they would deal with the situation of bringing Alvarez into the look while keeping TO from the Grim Bastards satisfied. The uncertainty that SAMCRO had in the immediate wake after The Kid was kidnapped seems to have dissipated. Second, not killing Salazar seems like an obvious way to set up the future, possible ramifications of the peace deal. I wonder if the decision was left to Clay, which member of that bullshit MC would have had his brains splattered across a bank of urinals. If given a second to think, I suspect Salazar wouldn't have walked out of the pisser. Instead, TO jumped the gun and took out the obvious fall guy for the multiple gunshot and then 12 inch chef's knife in the back of the skull killing of a brother. Salazzar and his girlfriend are hot on Tara's heels. Oh noes! What can this mean for Pinky!*

(*Pinky is what I've decided to call the seed of Tarjaxa because I can't bring myself to call if Cain. Plus, I  feel pretty confident that it's a girl.)

The whole sequence of moving all of the members of SAMCRO into place to get them on the plane to fly to Manchester felt very much like a great caper movie. Gemma was side-dealing with Tara to escape via ice bath (shiver). The were guys planning their itinerary and deciding what to wear and what to pack. Finally, and fabulously, Tig leading the cops away from Gemma, Jax, and Clay in the great escape with such genuine outlaw glee.  Everyone was healthy, rosy cheeked, and ready for the adventure because SAMCRO was doing what it does best -- acting rather than wallowing. Noticed no one has called Gemma crazy in a few episodes now? Notice how Jax no longer has those hellacious bags under his eyes? Tig has a spring in his step and Opie is fully engaged with his bromance with Jax.

But with all of this said, SAMCRO is going to need every bit of their mojo that they've reclaimed for what awaits them in Belfast. On the SAMBELL front, McGee and Liam are apparently in cahoots with Jimmy O, signaling SAMCRO's arrival. The good, frightening, Father Ashby is holding down the fort at Maureen's house with getting care for the young kid who suffered from collateral damage. Then there's Fiona who is friends enough to be on a clothes sharing basis with Maureen. Finona seems genuinely afraid of Jimmy, doesn't she? I suppose whether she is afraid of him for political/philosophical reasons or for actual personal saftey reasons remains to be seem. KerrieAnne seemed so despondent that it made me even more anxious for Chibs to arrive to see what their relationship is like.

As far as I can tell, this is what the relationships look like to me.

I think that John Teller is one missing piece to this whole puzzle but so is the relationship between SAMBELL and Jimmy O. What's their vested interest in all of this? Why would the scuttle their relationship with their brothers in Charming for Jimmy O's arms game?

But while all this is going on, there's the undercurrent of Ideal Characteristics for Old Lady (TM) thread that runs through this episode. We open with the aftermath of Jax fucking Ima to hurt/protect/alienate/Edward Cullen-ize Tara. Yes, my dear readers it's the "I love you so much that I have to hurt you to protect you" trope. Needless to say that I'm not a huge fan of this but it was explained, rationalized, and defended with sufficient care so as not to make us feel like Tara had been completely abused. Even better? Tara's not buying Jax's line of bullshit. Like at all. She's audi and might even exercise her right to choose. Tara and Gemma will always be BFFs forevahhhhhhhhhh and I fully endorse their friendship.  Didn't you totally want to be in a Gemma and Tara sandwich when the embraced at the end of The Great Gemma Escape?

Finally, in all of this Tarjaxa skank-assed-ho-meets-covert-baby-mama-drama, Opie proves that he is his father's son with the plethora of great one-liners he rattles off about the ramifications of porn pussy. Although none of the high-traffic vajayjay concerns actually apply to him. And, Opie swoon hair down.

Bits and pieces

• I want Chuckie to serve me coffee every morning.
• Happy is going to Belfast!
• Margaret Murphy is totally Tara's Unser and I luv her.
• Unser, what happened to you? I'm glad you found your ethics but it seemed to be at a very inconvenient time. 
• Where's Darby?
• Gemma telling Margaret Murphy that they can't get involved in Jax and Tara's relationship was LOL-lariously hypocritical. 
• So Trinity is Jax's half sister. No big shocker there.
• I love Maureen more and more with every episode. 
• What was Lyla going to tell Opie? I have a feeling it wasn't good.
• Also, I'm totally in love with Lyla for giving That Skank Ho a serious smack.

All of the screen caps in this post are from Bobby Elivs' Bake Sale, a great site run by @amonmich. Go check out her excellent SOA caps and follow her on twitter while you're at it.

Sons of Anarchy - The Push

It's going to take me until the weekend to write a full recap of Sons of Anarchy, 3.06 The Push (grrrr real life work demands) but in the meantime, here are some initial thoughts:

• Take note, Jax: true love is standing in the bathroom talking to your wife while she takes a leak.
• The deal with the Mayans seemed almost too easy. There has got to be a catch.
• Gemma is going along with Jax and Stahl's plan. For now. 
• I think Stahl set up her girlfriend/colleague on purpose. 
• I could write volumes on why Jax's decisions in relationship issues lead me to have a tenuous grip on reality. Suffice it to say that I do think he loves Tara but I also think he has a bit of a madonna/whore complex going on -- in a way. He wants Tara to be good and save lives but he also wants her to know the full truth about his life in the MC. Jax is really wearing his indecision like a suit of armor, it keeps Tara close enough to suit him and the club but not so close that he genuinely has emotional intimacy with her. For now, I''ll echo Clay's "Don't make things more complicated than then need to be" and leave it at that. THANK GOD SOMEONE SAID THAT TO JAX. 
• This season is testing my bullshit meter in terms of the plausibility of certain plot devices. Doesn't anyone in SAMCRO have a credit card? Or a passport? Why has it been so hard for them to do seemingly basic things like get a telephone number? I've got to assume that at least Tara has an Amex card she could buy plane tickets with. Right? 
• I kinda think Kozick is a rat. Tig's "You can't trust him" seemed prophetic.
• Opie No Hat! Again!

Overall, another fantastic episode. More to come this weekend.

Sons of Anarchy, Season 3, Episode 5, Turning and Turning Recap

Previously on Sons of Anarchy As the Harley Rumbles, Jax was a shit, Gemma FINALLY found out about Abel, and Piney was awesome. During Turning and Turning, things certainly didn't get any better for anyone in or connected to SAMCRO.

I don't know about ya'll but this season fills me with a sense of uneasiness. With every episode and every plot point, I feel a growing sense of uncertainty for the characters that I love and what terrible thing might happen to them in every scene. And I'm okay with it. Although, it does make me feel like an idiot to have gotten so excited all day Tuesday only to feel like my heart has been ripped out at 11:00 pm that night. Why is Sons of Anarchy shaping up the way it has? I've boiled it down to this: either Kurt Sutter wants us to feel the same uncertainty that the characters are feeling or he wants to see if we'll follow the characters into the abyss of violence, anger and manipulation to see what things look like on the other side. Either way, I'm in. Now, on to the recap! In many ways, Turning and Turning was all about secrets--keeping secrets, revealing secrets, and creating new secrets.

We open at St. Rednecks where Gemma is recovering from her not-heart attack while simultaneously in custody because of her not-surrender to the ATF. And wouldn't you know it, the Beautiful Queen of Bikers is pissed that everyone lied to her about The Kid for trying to protect themselves from her wrath. But now that everyone finally knows that Sweet Baby Abel is in Belfast thank God because that only took 5 bloody episodes, what stones might get unturned when Jax shows up? Gemma and Clay looked more than concerned, didn't they? What secret are the keeping from Jax? I'm guessing that Trinity will be the tip of the iceberg. 

Gemma and Tara have a moment and it's not a happy one nor is it badass. It's painful and cruel. The first time I watched it, I thought OMFGWTF how could Gemma do that to Tara. But, when I watched the scene a second time, I read Gemma's "Nothing you could have done about that? What if it was your baby? Your flesh and blood?" as cruel, yes but also coming from a deep well of pain that Gemma has from being away from her family and being lied to. Perhaps in their closeness, Gemma felt that she could lash out at Tara because the good doctor is in it for the long haul. After all, Gemma did say that Tara being pregnant was good for now but didn't elaborate because she couldn't influence Jax chained to a hospital bed. (Ut-oh. I think I'm a Gemma apologist.) 

I think when Tara broke down and started crying, Gemma knew why she didn't take a bullet or do more to stop old Cammie Hayes. Pregnant. Yeap. Pregnant. Tara isn't going to be able to keep that secret for very long, is she? I can't really decided whether Tara got herself knocked up on purpose or not. Condoms break and the pill is only 99% effective. However, Tara is a smart girl so she knows the formula for getting pregnant (knocked up = ovulation + hot sexy times with jax - birth control). I'm not convinced either way. What about ya'll? There's a poll up at the top right hand side of the page, now go cast your vote.  

Yay! Finally! Juice gets some screen time...
only to get his cut stolen and the shit beat out of him.

Meanwhile, Bobby-Elvis, Juice, Tig go out to sell their accumulated roids at Lumpy's Boxing Club where there seems to be some crafty developer at work buying up old parcels so he can put in a Pottery Barn, Starbucks, Williams Sonoma, and Banana Republic. Things are not good, yo. The enemy is battering the walls of Castle Elsinore. And then shit gets worse when the boys go to sell Adderall to the Chicken Man when Juice gets jacked by the Calaveras. (Psssst. Hey, hook a sister up and sell that it me! It's a performance enhancing drug in academia. I shit you not.)

At least the picture of Chuckie is nice. He looks happy, no?

Their solution? Infiltrate Mayan Janatorial Supply/Meth Cuttery of Doom with the help of Chuckie. Yay! I love Chuckie but why did he have to get beaten up in the process? I prefer my Chuckie happy and serving coffee and banana bread at the Crow's Nest. Or masturbating in front of customers at Teller-Morrow Automotive. Anyways, the Mayans are building up resources and facilities to run their dugs in right through Charming. Not. Good. Not good at all.

Finally, over at ATF Bitchface's bland condo, Jax shows up with a present and a deal. He wants reduced gun charges for SAMCRO, a walk for Gemma, and The Kid back in exchange for his delivery of Jimmy O and his signed statement about Jimmy's involvement in the gun trade. I never knew snitch would suit Jax so well. And I mean that in the nicest way possible. I mean, what could go wrong when you rat out a business partner, all the while keeping it a secret from your Outlaw MC? I mean, there is nothing that could possibly go wrong with that deal. Because Sons of Anarchy never plays up the consequences of its characters bad decisions. Nope. Never, ever, ever.

The thing is that Jax doesn't have very many options outside of striking this deal with Agent Bitchface. She's got Gemma cowed in a hospital bed, ready to cut a deal. The Sons are set to go away to jail for a while. And that's not to say that they won't go to jail anyways because they will. Sometimes the devil you know, is better than the devil you don't and Jax is trying to make the best of the situation. And the situation is dire. Shit just keeps getting worse and worse (see above: my growing uneasiness) Is this the right decision? Only time will tell. But whatever happens, you can bet that it's going to land on Jax -- good or bad. 

Bits and Pieces

• Stahl's line, "Hey, I'm in the room kids." was great. 
• "Who's Maureen Ashby?" asked Jax. Darlin, you better sit your ass down for what's about to come next. 
• I loved the way Clay cock blocked Unser when he came to pay Gemma a visit at the hospital. (Side note: it's a proud day when you need to search the Urban Dictionary to find out if it is cock block or cockblock)   
• Trinity is a brat. Must run in the family.
• Clay holding the mirror while Gemma plucks her eyebrows. As if we needed any more confirmation of who wears the pants in that relationship.
• How much sugar did Jax put in that cup of coffee? I was expecting the stir stick to stand straight up when he put it in the cup.
• I really want to see Chibs cut Jimmy O from ear to ear. Wouldn't that be poetic justice?
• Tara's request for a leave was denied. I am so loving what they are doing with Hospital Administrator Bitchface that I might have to make up a new nickname for her.
• What did Jax do with Luke's driver? Wouldn't he sound the alarm to Jimmy O in Belfast?
• CAN WE PLEASE JUST GO TO BELFAST ALREADY AND GET SWEET BABY ABEL?

As usual, the photos are from Bobby Elivs' Bake Sale so thanks to @amonmich for the images. 

Also, also: don't forget to vote in the Did Tara Get Pregnant on Purpose Poll at the top, right side of the page.

Sons of Anarchy, Season 3, Episode 4, Home Recap

Previously on Sons of Anarchy, the Guatemalan Hottie met Bachman, Opie lost his marbles at the porn party, John Teller and Maureen Ashby might have had a love child, and Jax pissed me off.

In this week's Sons of Anarchy... well... let's just deal with what went down in the basement. Jax thought it would be a good idea to remind Tara of her place in the SAMCRO pecking order which is apparently is nonexistent. He basically told her:

1. You're not coming with because your place is at work.
2. We're not your family
3. You want to be an old lady? THEN DO AS YOU'RE TOLD.

Jax may be right on the first point and Gemma actually came up with a well reasoned explanation as to why Tara should to remain in Charming. Someone needs to hold down the fort and take care of The Kid.

And that is where all reasonableness ends. To say that Tara isn't a part of the family is just patently absurd. Tara has known and/or been involved with Jax on and off since she was a teenager. Tara is right, Abel is hers too. She has been caring for Sweet Baby Abel since he was born. It was Tara and Gemma babysitting, changing diapers, feeding him soy-based forumla, and dealing with his apnea. Where was The Prince of Charming in all of this? No where to be found. Jax isn't going to win any Father of The Year awards any time soon. He didn't even really seem to care when Wendy was pregnant or when Abel was in jeopardy right after his birth. Jax seems to be the only one to think that Tara isn't family. Gemma and Clay are on board Tara as family train.  

For whatever reason, Tara wants to hold the family together. This clearly comes from page 38 of the Gemma Teller-Morrow Handbook on How To Be An Old Lady. But Jax, in spite of all of his talk and bombast, is (1) doing nothing beyond talking a big game about finding Abel and generally yelling at people and (2) allowing Abel's abduction to fracture his family. He should be lucky that he has his brothers in the MC who will back him up no matter what. He probably doesn't appreciate it or realize it because it's Jax's world ya'll and everyone else just lives in it. (See: Opie attending the porn party. Jax is fundamentally a bad friend for not stepping in and insulating his pal the MC's fundraising enterprise. And this isn't the first time Jax has been a bad friend.)

Now let's deal with the DO AS YOU'RE TOLD. Or from here on out, referred to as the DAYT moment. Since Tara has been attending the Gemma Teller-Morrow School of Old Lady Training let's considering the following questions: Does Gemma do as she's told? Does Gemma fall in line like a subservient sheep? Have we ever seen Clay speak to Gemma like that. No, nope, and not on his life. And even if you take it outside of the Gemma-centric way of looking at things, the DAYT dictum seems a lot more consistent with a Croweater than it does an Old Lady.

Jax, you're being a petulant little asshole. Wait. Correction. A hypocritical, petulant little asshole. Let me get this straight: it's totes okay for you to to help Tara kill Kohn, or to help Opie kill a guy who was wrongly fingered for killing Donna, or to gun down Weston in the shitter but it's not okay for Gemma and Tara to accidentally kill the Guatemalan hottie?

That's it, Jax. This whole kidnapping is bringing out the absolute worst in you. I can hope for some sort of redemption by the end of the season but until then, I'm breaking up with you. And Tara should too.

PS: Gemma finally found out about Abel. Jesus. It took 4 episodes for that to happen. And then it caused her to have a cliffhanger/maybe heart attach.


PPS: I <3 Piney. And so does Honey.

PPPS: Tig is my new hero for being exasperated by Gemma and Tara.

Just like last week, the screen caps come courtesy of Bobby Elvis' Bake Sale 

Sons of Anarchy, Season 3, Episode 3, Caregiver Recap

Previously on As the Harley Rumbles, the use baby oil was invoked as the humane thing to do, Cammie Hayes made it back home only to face the most severe consequence for his actions, SAMCRO started getting a sense what the Mayans were up to, and none of us could understand the Irish accents.

I'm particularly long-winded on this recap, so go to the bathroom, pop some popcorn, and tuck in. Overall, Caregiver was about fidelity. By fidelity, I mean loyalty and tests of loyalty. Caregiver opens with SAMCRO engaged in business with the Grim Bastards and they seem to be loyal to each other in a genuine way that serves their mutual self interests. In contrast Luke and his IRA connections are testing the old loyalty John Teller established for the MC in the gun running business. The whole soldier versus army line that Luke feeds SAMCRO makes it perfectly clear that the IRA's loyalty is to its own cause and not SAMCRO. But fidelity cuts both ways.

In the aftermath of the drive-by, the loyalty of the town of Charming to SAMCRO is in question. Now that the violence of the MC has spilled over in the town, can you blame them? The Deputy Chief of Police gets killed, a kid gets shot, and that is to say nothing about the damage done to Chuckie. Oswald has to cut SAMCRO loose because of his political ambitions and it seems like they temporarily part ways in an amicable way. I wonder how long that will hold. With Oswald's land in jeopardy for development if he has to forfeit it if the Sons jump bail.

Let's deal with Jax and his fidelity issues. We know Jax does shit without thinking and can be selfish and immature. He knows he does shit without thinking about the consequences. In spite of that, I generally root for Jax.  In the first episode of season 3, Piney tells Jax that he's loyal, he's good, and he wants the right things. That was true before Caregiver.  But after Caregiver? Not so much. All of that about being loyal, good, and wanting the right things seems to be falling away. Is it Jax's showing the true nature of his character? Or is this what having a missing child does to a person? So far his loyalty to himself seems to be winning out over his loyalty to anything or anyone else.

What makes me think this? It's becoming clear that Jax is talking a good game about tracking down Abel but that hasn't translated into action. Jax tells everyone that he is going to find Abel but if it were so important to him, would he still be sitting around the bar having drinks with Opie in the club house? Would he really let a 3 day old lead to Vancouver grow cold? Would any father with a missing kid sit around drinking and bitching about his girlfriend instead of following down every lead? He says that he's motivated, all fired up to find Abel but his actions don't reflect that. He gets petulant with Luke the Irish guy but it just gets turned into a lot of pacing and sulking. He wants to do the right thing--find his son--but in classic Jax mode, he hasn't been working hard enough to DO the right thing. 

Is he worried about his kid? Is he wondering who is taking care of kid? If the kid is well cared for? Nope -- or if he is thinking those things, it isn't showing. He's worried about Tara wanting to take a leave of absence and what her know-everything old lady status means for the longevity of their relationship. Alert: Jax is questioning the longevity of his relationship with Tara. Cue Ima. What Jax would have done if Juice hadn't opened that email from SAMBEL just then. I'm not one of these huge Jax/Tara obsessed people but Jax being good and loyal doesn't really jibe with wanting to nail a porn star while you're going through some shit with your girlfriend and your kid has been abducted. See Jax being loyal to himself makes a lot of sense, doesn't it?

Tara, in spite of her general dumbassery for cutting Amelia loose (Note: I find it hard to believe that Tara is really that stupid. She's been to the school of WWGD and taught by the mistress herself), has proven that if she's in for a penny with SAMCRO by being loyal to the club, then she's in it for a fucking pound. I'm starting to think that Tara is more loyal to club than Jax is because Jax is only loyal to himself. Did she not draw the line no truth/to pussy? Did she run away from the conversation with Jax about taking a leave of absence? Is she apologetic for defending the club and Gemma to Hospital Bitchface? Nope. She's all in, baby. Not without a barfing her guts out. More so than Jax has been with his petulant wavering. The only time we see Tara remotely waver is when she's barfing her guts out after the Guatemalan Hottie is killed/accidentally stabs her self.      

Speaking of Tig's Guatemalan Hottie, the swift, efficiently way that Tig and Gemma decided to call the cleaner shouldn't have been surprising. Gemma had already done the logical heavy lifting to kill her: foreigner with no friends or family that the system wouldn't care about. Easy-peasey. 

We haven't had a lot of information about the sexual fidelity between Gemma and John Teller but this week we got a pretty good idea. It seems as if Maureen and JT had a relationship. The good Father Ashby reminded Maureen that John Teller's family was in Charming. Whaaaaaaaaaaaat?  Huuuuuuuuuuuuuh? His cruelty in pointing this out suggested there was something more than a simple fling between Marueen and JT. Could there be something more? Like a love child? Well, meet Trinity. A little simple math would put her around 18 or 19. Right around the time John Teller returned to Charming from Belfast. She could totally be Jax's half-sister, couldn't she? If this is true, do you think Gemma knows? 

And finally Opie and his fidelity to Lyla. Obviously Opie has an old school notion of fidelity, meaning no one sticks their dick in my woman except for me. Lyla's notion of fidelity is somewhat different. She sees sex as a financial transaction while her heart is loyal to Opie. It nearly broke my heart when Opie told Lyla that he didn't want her to end up sad. (Brilliant acting by Ryan Hurst) But what did Opie mean? Sad like him? Sad like Donna was? But this little bit of dialogue is telling about the depths of Opie and Lyla's relationship and it's fucking funny:

Jax:  Looks like you guys are working things out

Opie: I can never tell. Every time I try to talk to her we end up naked

Bobby: Just marry her. That'll stop it.

I just have one question: Why have we not seen any of this Opie nakedness? Whhhhhhyyyyyy? Anyways, I'm totallty Team Lyla at this point. She's might be a porn star, but she's a porn star with heart who calls Piney Pop and picks up the kids from school. But the lack of not talking about things is taking its toll on Opie. He loses his shit at the Chinese porn party. Who thought it would be a good idea for him to be there in the first place?

Odds and Ends:

• So the gun charges are still in play. For the price that SAMCRO is paying per hour, you'd think they'd challenge Charming's motion to revoke their bail based on double jeopardy. Moreover, why isn't their lawyer filing a motion to dismiss if the state's case has fallen apart? Just sayin.
• A nice bit of continuity from season-to-season: the Sons are still running handguns in bedrolls for the IRA. 
• Stephen King was brilliantly creepy and hilarious as the cleaner. From the 80's music to taking the gilded praying hands to feeling up the then-dead Amelia (and you know Tig was jealous). everything. It was a perfect mix of good writing and credible stunt casting that fit with the plot.
• Why does Jacob Hale dress like Rodney Dangerfield? Cheap suit, loose tie, slightly sweaty. 
• Katey Sagal + Hal Holbrook = Amazing. 
• Gemma's stupid bitch line. Referring to herself. 
• Cherry! But why was she wearing a lederhosen/diaper thing?
• How does Gemma's BlackBerry still have a charge? 
• Still needs more Juice.

Just like last week, the screen caps come courtesy of Bobby Elvis' Bake Sale 

What did ya'll think of this week's episode? Also: GEMMA STILL DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT ABEL. ZOMG. HOW LONG ARE THEY GOING TO DRAG THIS OUT?

  

Sons of Anarchy, Season 3, Episode 2 Oiled, Recap

I should begin the recap of Sons of Anarchy by saying something smart about what the show meant and then try to tie it all together but I just can't. Because... well... Tig was fucking awesome in Oiled. Let's engage in a bit of Tigapalooza  because I need to get it out my system before I can focus on the rest of the episode. I think that bottles of baby oil will become a sort of shorthand among fans of Sons of Anarchy much like skateboards are now. No Vaseline by the great warrior poet Ice Cube certainly takes on new meaning in light of this week's episode of Sons of Anarchy. Anyways... on to the Electric Tigaloo:

Oh, Tig, you creepy fuck. I've missed you. It seemed like you were so consumed by guilt about killing Donna that you might never get your mojo back. But boy howdy, did you ever. Was it the way you turned the Hummels around in the curio cabinet so they weren't staring at you? It was good start and a nice bit of art imitating life. Was it the short, pink, flowery satin robe that set off your curly locks so well? Perhaps. Was it the light reflecting off the bottle of baby oil that made your blue eyes sparkle? Maybe. Was it the fact that Little Tig is so big that the "humane" thing is to lube your joint up before you bump uglies with the help? Yeap. That's it. And the way you got your mojo back was so... animalistic. It's as if you've had a similar experience with a different species of mammal before. And even though you got shot by Gemma's dad, you still handled it with panache. (I'm putting a picture of Tig naked going to town on Amelia after the jump for those of you who haven't had the image burned into your memory.)

Okay, my dear three readers, on with the rest of the recap. Previously on as the Harley Rumbles, Gemma was reunited with her dad, Jax was sad/angry/naked, Tara grew a pair, Clay was awesome, and Hale was offed. 


First, let's start with Gemma because I gave her reunion with her father a short shrift in the last recap. How lovely is it that Nate Madoc is excited to see his daughter? The joy is truly touching. And the heartbreak of Nate not recognizing Gemma and her calm, gentle way of reminding her father that she is indeed his daughter. is so genuine that I can't make fun of it. But in the midst of all of this heartbreak and separation, Gemma is clinging to her family--her father and by pre-paid phone Clay, Jax and Tara. If Gemma only knew that there was only a fleeting sense of family left to cling to back at home... Meanwhile, she's go the Guatemalan Hottie to contend with. I'm still thinking that she is a plant. Nate with dementia, house that is about to be sold, nursing home bed waiting... the trio smacks of Stahl's handiwork.

Second, SAMCRO is trying to track down Cameron Hayes and Abel while trying to seek some form of retribution for the drive-by. But in all the elaborate plot points that bring the Sons in the (unpaid) employ of the bounty hunter and the fucking fantastic mellon-in-the-sand scene to get information about the motivations of the Mayans, they basically are rendered impotent. Not wanting another "Bloody 1992," they let the president of the Calaveras go in an effort to persuade Alvarez not to kill them/encroach on their territory. They can't get good information about Cameron out of any of their regular channels and obviously Jimmy O isn't forthcoming.

Third, Jax and Tara. Where do I even begin? Jax was teasing Gemma in Oiled because she runs everything, much like her mother. However, Jax doesn't respond favorably when Tara takes matters into her own hands, living out the What Would Gemma Do principle. He's not a fan of the beat down she gave to the Hospital Bitchface (who, I like much more after seeing her integrity swing both ways) nor does he like the idea of Tara taking a leave of absence from St Rednecks. Is Tara changing too much for Jax? Does he have too many Oedipal issues to find Tara's adoption of the WWGD philosophy acceptable? Does he love Tara because she is separate from the MC? Who the hell knows. But it's clear that Tara knows that Jax is wavering and she isn't falling in line or buying his line of bullshit. Bravo, Tara.

Fourth, and finally, the intrigue that is happening on two fronts. The Mayans are encroaching on Charming, by way of patching over the Calaveras to fulfill their end of the deal they struck with Zobelle and LOAN. There might be serious implications for that for SAMCRO and Charming down the road. On the Irish front, there's a shit-ton of intrigue and subterfuge going on. Father Kellan Ashby has got to be one of the scariest priests I've ever seen and this is coming from a non-practicing Catholic. He's the intermediary between Jimmy O and the Council (let's hope we get some more insight into the Council in future episodes).  Ashby carries out the sacraments and oversees the elimination of Cammie Hayes. Btw, how fucking horrific was that scene? I don't know if it was good acting or good makeup but Jaayysus, you could see veins in his face and shit. Anyways... there seem to be tensions between the old world and new world way of doing things, as evidenced by the tension between Ashby and Jimmy O. And there is the whole thing about pushing SAMCRO out that was mentioned but not elaborated on. And we have no idea how SAMBELL fits in with the council--perhaps through Maureen because of the SOA tattoo on her arm? It will be interesting to see how this plays out.

Odds and Ends

• When is Gemma going to find out about Abel, goddamnit? How long can this go on?
• So was Jax just charged with obstructing justice for attacking the guy at Half-Sack's wake? And not assault? Clay said that there were still assualt charges pending. Is that what he was referring to? Or was he talking about the season 2 raid on Zobelle's dinner of the faithful? Either my brain isn't working properly, there is a continuity/clarity issue, or Unser has some amazing pull to protect Jax from aggravated assault charges.
• Precious was... well... not precious but decidedly awesome. I'd clock Bobby-Elivs too for telling me that the check's in the mail when I haven't received a dime in child support in 6 months. 
• Opie's moment of reticence in the porn shop was pure acting brilliance. (Perhaps he could have picked up some lube for Tig while he was in the store? Just a thought.) The sorority swing that Luanne directed is on the shelves and reminded Opie that Lyla's career of choice is banging other guys. On film.   
• Jacob Hale disdained Unser as Chief of Charming PD last season and wanted him gone. All of a sudden he wants to protect Charming and wants to keep the sheriff out? This seems suspect to me. I wonder if Jacob got his application in to LOAN before Zobelle fled the country. It would fit in well with the Mayans cutting and packaging heroin in Lodi, wouldn't it? 
• What reason would Jimmy O have for not divulging Abel's whereabouts? 
• I love the African American MC from Lodi.
• There hasn't been enough Juice. Seriously. 

Just like last week, the screen caps come courtesy of Bobby Elvis' Bake Sale so go over there and check out the treasure trove of pics from Sons of Anarchy episodes--especially if you like Chibs, Opie, or Kozik.

Naked (NSFW) pictures of Tig after the break.

What did you think of the episode? The comments section awaits...

Recap: Sons of Anarchy, Episode 3.01, SO

Well, I certainly didn't see that coming. Sweet baby Abel, I've been trying to wrap my brain around the closing scene of the premiere of Sons of Anarchy all day long. Let's put a pin in that for a hot minute. I'll start my recap of Sons of Anarchy, Episode 3.01, entitled SO, just as soon as I'm done clipping my acrylic nails over an old newspaper.  

Needless to say, there are spoilers abound... 

Sons of Anarchy often deals with the consequences of the choices that its characters make and SO was no exception to that overarching theme. In the season premiere, we saw the consequences play themselves out in terms of the loneliness of our favorite characters, the disarray of SAMCRO after The Kid was abducted, and the violence the Sons family was subjected to during the drive-by.

Photo Courtesy of Bobby Elvis' Bake Sale

First, loneliness and isolation separated Jax, Tara, Gemma from each other and the club--both physically and emotionally. Hell, even Piney was lonely--he misses John Teller. Like a lot ya'll. Jax is in isolation in The Kid's nursery, cut off from Tara, his mother, and the MC. I nearly cried when Opie pried him off the floor (no really, it was as if Jax's ass had grown roots into the carpet) and carried him to the shower. The new Jax is limp and helpless until after the funeral. And isn't amazing how physically separate Jax is in this episode? He's on the dock by himself, crouching in the dirt by himself, and riding by himself. I think the only time we've seen Jax this alone is when he was spending quality time with Dead Daddy Teller's Burnt Book of Biker Wisdom. 

Meanwhile, rather than be consumed by her loneliness, Tara acts by awesomely trashing the joint in a fit of rage and tells ATF Bitchface that "I don't need a boy to handle my shit" (talk about living the WWGD principle). Completely motivated by the fear of losing Jax and her very serious life in Charming, Tara tells the Prince of Charming, "We don't know who we are until we're connected to someone else. We're just better human beings when we're with the person we're supposed to be with. I wasn't supposed to leave. I belong here." How's that for some heavy shit? And was it just me or was there some lingering doubt in Jax's eyes?

Meanwhile, meanwhile, what does Gemma do to escape her isolation in the sticks while being on the lam? She nearly cuts a guy's dick off while trying to steal his car... which she needed reading glasses to hot wire, of course. I mean what else would Gemma do? She's the valet, shit-head! To add insult to injury, she declares it's just a flesh wound. Paging the Black Knight.    

Second, SAMCRO is in disarray at the start of the episode. While the guys swarm Jax when they get a lead on Cameron Hayes, there is a certain awkwardness to their presence in the house. They ride funny and they seem undecided at the dock. Is it the situation? Is it seeing Jax completely undone? I don't know. But the only one who knows how to handle the situation is Clay and the value of his leadership (however flawed) becomes immediately apparent. He plays the outsider card and lays blame on Agent Bitchface for the death of Half-Sack, The Kid's abduction, and Gemma's run from the law. Clay reassures Tara. (WTF? I don't even know? Who is this Clay Morrow and what have you done with King Clueless? I love this Clay. LOVE HIM). Even better, he tells Stahl:

Anything happens to my grandson. Anything. And I promise you that I'm going to shove a gun barrell up that bony ass of yours and I'm going to blow that black heart out.

Clay pulled shit together most effectively when he told Jax to man up. Act now. You're going to find the kid. Make the hard decision to do something, regardless of The Kid's fate. Which leads me to... 

Third, the violence. And there was so much of it. I'm so sad to see Hale go. He really grew on me as a character and provided an interesting ethical dynamic for SAMCRO in Charming. I'm just going to trust Kurt Sutter that Hale's death will mean something, contribute to the forward momentum of the story. So in quick succession, Hale is killed while trying to stop the perpetrators of the drive-by after Half-Sack's funeral, Jax bashes in the skull of one of the shooters, and a kid is shot. The only sense I can make of it is this: no one is Charming is immune to the consequences of SAMCRO's outlaw choices. My working theory on who is responsible for the drive-by? The Mayans. They're going to want recompense for the highway showdown during the season 2 finale.    

Funny things, loose ends, and some questions:

• Chuckie lives another day to serve Bobby-Elivs' banana bread and coffee at the clubhouse!
• Damn, those boys can actually ride motorcycles. Loved the chase scene. 
• Fantastic close-up of John Teller's mug shot. Way to build in the mythology in a subtle way.
• Clay (to the forger): Thanks Mr. Magoo
• Tara and Jax mention what they did to Kohn. Twice. This has got to be foreshadowing. I wonder if finding Kohn's body is a way for Stahl to get her groove back?
• Charming votes Republican, just ask Hale's brother. BTW, did you catch those teeth? I guess I'm going to have to learn his name now. Or can I just call him Snaggle Tooth for the rest of the season? 
• Unser calls Gemma "our girl" when he's talking to Clay.
• Tig to caregiver: "My name is Tiggy." Uh... Tiggy? 
• Speaking of Tig... What's up with Kozik's desire to come back to Charming? 
• The super-top-secret code name for Gemma is "Love"
• What does Gemma read in the newspaper that makes her want to go home? I smell a rat....
• Cameron's old boat is named Dithreabhag which I think, loosely translated, means "He was here." Either that or it's something about double penetration. No, really.
• The hospital administrator is still lurking. Look out, Tara.  
• Half-Sack got patched in posthumously AND gets the SAMCRO coffin, which is always the tasteful choice for your internment needs. 
• The song playing during the opening montage of Sons of Anarchy SO is No Milk Today by Joshua James and The Forrest Rangers
• The song playing the at the end of SO is Dad's Gonna Kill Me by Richard Thompson 
• Jax leaves his SO ring on John Teller's grave while keeping the NS ring for himself. Did you know that the season 3 finale is titled NS? Get it SO (1) - NS (13)? Either Jax will be wearing both those rings at the end of the season or he'll wear neither of them.
• Jax. Naked. Shower. Again. But this time shot from above. I know you dirty bitches are out there trying to find screen cap of it for the spank bank.  So here you go....  Your picture of Jax naked in the shower. Sigh... this just makes me feel dirty

Photo Courtesy of Bobby Elvis' Bake Sale

What do ya'll think? I'm looking forward to seeing more of the supporting cast in the next episode. What did I miss? The comments section awaits....

All of the screen caps in this post are from Bobby Elivs' Bake Sale, a great site run by @amonmich. Go check out her excellent SOA caps and follow her on twitter while you're at it. 

Holy Shit! Where is the Recap?

Thank God. It's time to recap Sons of Anarchy again. I should have it done no later than Thursday. I can't stay up all night and recap this season because I have responsibilities and shit. (Read that as: I have to get up at an unholy hour on Wednesday mornings to go teach a bunch of students.) But I have started.  See....

Yes, I did write "LOVE CLAY" down there on the bottom of the right page. Whoooooeeeeeee. We're in for a great season, kids. 

Yeah, so True Blood....

I've been short on time so the True Blood Recaps have fallen by the wayside. I mean, sweet Baby Able, I'm still not caught up on the Sons of Anarchy stuff from Comic-Con and the SOA news is only going to be coming more quickly as season three approaches. Plus there is the WWGD T-shirt to address.  So, the True Blood recaps are on permanent hiatus until I can carve out some more time. And when I say permanent, I mean Talbot permanent....

Image from Sookie is Mine!

True Blood Recap, 3.05 Trouble

Here comes my recap of all things Good, Bad, and Ugly from True Blood, Trouble, just as soon as I'm back from dinner at the Shoney's in Vicksburg with Franklin Mott...  errr..... scratch that.  Just as soon as I'm done discussing Japanese vampire erotica from the 16th Century with Eric. (Photo from Sookie is Mine!)

    

The Good

• Lafayette and Jesus courting:  the writers and the actors really hit their respective marks in conveying the terribly sweet self-consciousness of the time before a first date and first kiss.  And don't you know our boy Lafayette deserves the love too? 
• Jessica glamouring customers so Arlene doesn't get any tips.  Side note: the chemistry between Jessica and Tommy might be his one saving grace.    
• Eric as a viking!  But what would you bet that the crown Eric saw amongst the accumulated tchotchkes of Russell's pillaging was there on purpose?  
• The trap that Russell Edgington set for Bill.  Or should I say his experiment to see if the confrontation could evoke Sookie's magic fingers?
• The whole Russell-Bill-Eric triangle of mutual treachery and scheming. None of these guys trust each other, they all have ulterior motives and it is FANTASTIC! 
• Everything about Franklin Mott.  Everything.  Calling Talbot the cleaning lady, the vampire texting motherfucker, the aforementioned dinner at Shoney's, taking out a church group at the slots in Biloxi because they wouldn't let him have a chance, needing a financial trust, and any time having "a talk" results in him waking up from a blackout with body parts around him.  I love everything about him because he is fucking nuts and James Frain plays him with such zeal.  It's too bad it comes at a high price for Tara (more on that in the Ugly section). 
• Crystal doesn't have a telephone or a bra  but at least she is smarter than Jason.  Let's just hope that Jason gets a piece so he can stop with the wanna-be sheriff shenanigans.  Ryan Kwanten was pretty endearing as Jason.  I just wish the he had better material.    
• Jeebus!  I think we got our first "Suuuuukkeeeehhh" of the season and this was the 5th episode.    

The Bad

• Sookie and Alcide's chemistry.  I'm just not feeling it.  
• Ha-ha.  Jason with ink on his face and paperclip limbo.  I get it.  He is not the sharpest knife in the drawer.   I got it in Season 1.  Make his character do or be something interesting, otherwise why waste precious time repeating old tropes?  Also:  Jason and Andy are bo-ring.    
• Colonel Flood is a scardey cat dog.  
• Kenya, Kevin and red mulch?  Have I ever told you that I my "No Wire Hangers" equivalent is red mulch?   
• Lorena strolling in with the stripper's glittery bra in hand.  
• I just don't give a shit about Sam or his long lost redneck white trashy family. But at least Joe Lee is WEARING PANTS CONSISTENTLY. 

The Ugly

• Tara.  Tara.  Tara.  Let me preface this with saying that I think Rutina Wesley does an amazing job with what she is given.  But let's face it, the writers keep handing her huge piles of shit every episode.  What in the holy hell happened to Season 1 Tara?  You know, the smart fiery girl who was Sookie's BFF and didn't take shit from anyone?  Her character been twisted AGAIN to be some pawn at the whim of what ever supernatural special guest star creature that happens to be cast introduced each season.  The writers have stripped a female character of any semblance of agency she had left.  Having the character who complained about being named after a plantation actually run across a plantation trying to escape while being chased by dogs wolves is beyond reproach.
• Spoiler alert for people who haven't read the books.  I'm about to reveal some serious plot points from the books.  I am so over the whole "True Blood is done in the spirit of the books" line of bullshit.  For me, there are certain things that need to happen and one of them is NOT the softer, gentler let down of Bill.  In the books Bill might have been kidnapped and tortured, but he also did some pretty despicable things -- yeah, I'm talking about the trunk scene.  Yes, Sookie needs to rescue Bill but she also needs to unequivocally reject him.  And Sookie needs to stake Lorena.  Seriously -- I need the "I killed her ass" moment.  This is the only way to open up the door for Sookie's character to grow.  With Eric.  I swear, hand to God, if there is one more fakey-fakey dream scene of the two of them making out, you will hear my screams of frustration.   And if there is some Sookie and Bill reconciliation at the end of this season, I might just have to break up with this show completely.  Maybe.       

True Blood Recap, 3.04 9 Crimes

This week's The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly recap of True Blood, 9 Crimes just as soon as I'm done grilling hot dogs in the parking lot at Merlotte's.  Overall, it was a good episode and it is nice to see some semblance of a cohesive story coming together.  And the bright red thread tying most of the disparate story lines together is V.

The Good

• Oh, Sookie, you dirty little hooka -- and I mean that as a compliment.  Sookie nearly jumps Alcide to the point where he feels uncomfortable and goes to put a shirt on.  Damnit.  And the near-jumping happens immediately after Bill breaks up with the Sookster over the phone -- the shock! the horror!  Can you imagine if he dumped her by text?  She would've fucked Alcide straight away.  But Sookie was at her endearing, earnest, fierce, naive best in the episode -- from being convinced that Bill needs to break up with her in person, to knocking back shots in the bad girl leathers, to confronting Debbie Pelt.  She might be downright fucking annoying sometimes, but she is never insincere and 9 Crimes put all of that front and center.  
• Bill's seemingly complete turn to the dark vampy side.  Is he doing it to protect Sookie?  Is he doing it because it's his nature and he can't resist any more?  Or to save his own skin? Or is there some bigger diabolical plan in place?  Who the hell knows, but Bill's simmering constipation anger from Seasons 1 and 2 finally have some context and it makes him a much more interesting character.  And hotter!  Sweet Jeebus, give that man long sleeved black t shirts for the rest of the show.  Maybe it's because I just finished "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" but I can't help thinking that there are going to be some long-term consequences that Bill isn't considering at the moment.  Like letting it get out that he was sent to procure a certain waitress from Bon Temps.                
• Eric, Lafayette, Pam, and the V trade. Possibly one of the best moments in the episode was Eric flying in to back Lafayette up and close the deal out in Hot Shot.  The "Let's go, Ru Paul," line was funny but it led to a bit of brilliance with Eric tutoring Lafayette in how to make friends and influence lower level drug pushers. Obviously Bill's little bit of intel about the Queen making Eric sell V went directly from Russell to the Magister.  Eric and Pam's quick thinking to cover their asses with the Queen, set up Bill and buy time was still more brilliance -- and consistent with their relationship.  Speaking of The Magister, how is he for a frightening villain and and indication of things to come later in the season?  Not too shabby.  Kind of makes Maryanne look like child's play. 
• Lorena's neck crack after the best sex she's had in decades!  
• Flying Eric FTW!        

The Bad

• Russell Edgington is the great Nazi-werewolf-vampire-master of yore!  While this whole story line certainly isn't boring there are some cheese-heavy elements involved in this story line:  the V in communion cups, religious music, and general white trash stereotypes are a bit heavy-handed. 
• Franklin Mott went from a short stack of sexy sinew to a fucking scary freak.
• Jason thinking that he is smart enough to blackmail Andy into becoming a cop.  Jesus, get this man a piece of ass before he goes any further.  Seriously.  
• Eric's daydream about Sookie.  Yes, it was hot.  Incredibly hot.  But I'm tired of seeing these two dream about getting it on.  Something has to happen.  
• There wasn't nearly enough Jessica.
• I'm warming to Sam's story line only because he was so compelling at describing his struggles as the motivation for helping Tommy.  But, I'm also increasingly convinced that the Mickens are running a long con on Sam.  
• Alcide could've let that robe open up a little bit while he was cooking that steak for breakfast.  

The Ugly

• Tara duct-taped to a toilet.  At least she struggles.  That suggests some agency, I suppose.  Or at least a desire not to get a raging case of hemorrhoids.    
• Debbie Pelt's hair and makeup.  There's playing the white trash card and then there is playing the 1980's white trash card.  Second runner up:  Debbie Pelt's underwear clad crowd surfing.  Third runner up:  Coot licking Debbie's fresh brand. Gr-o-ss.       
• I'm getting tired of the Gomer Pile-esque, slack-jawed yokels of Bon Temps.  Like the dude who gave Bud Dearborn his new dancing boots shoes.  Or the football dude.  I'm over it.   

True Blood Recap, 3.03 It Hurts Me Too

Thank you, Alan Ball!  Finally!  I think that True Blood has finally hit its stride for Season 3.  Aside from a few irritating plot lines I'm looking at you Tara, Jason, and Sam, this was by far the best episode this season.  Anyways, here's my Good/Bad/Ugly recap of True Blood, 3.03 It Hurts Me Too, because it's like armageddon in here anytime someone chips a dessert glass.  

The Good 

• Talbot and Russell:  beneath their sophisticated, charming, urbane exterior exists a ruthless power couple.  Sort of like Bill and Hillary.
• Terry's joy that he is going to be a daddy and Arlene's dirty little secret.  My money is on Rene/Drew as the baby daddy.  
• The human suffering/vampire desire dichotomy.  Lorena is a bitch but at least she is a bitch who has a purpose and so do flashbacks.  Or she is a bitch who gets hate fucked like there has never been a hate fuck on television ever.  Holy Hell!  The LSH had to take my martini because away I was hyperventilating with sick awe-inspired giggles.  Just when you thought that Nazi werewolves were a bit too much, a neck twisting, I'm too lazy to hate fuck you doggie style so let me just turn YOUR WHOLE FUCKING HEAD AROUND scene happens.  Oh, Bill William Bill.  You bad boy.  I knew you had it in you all along, you old dog.  However, the great scenes of Eric and Sookie burying a body and discussions of how quickly Eric could be on site in Jackson to rescue Sookie that were crackling with tension and chemistry just pale in comparison.    
• Tara showing us what an orgasm from tantric, sadomasochistic vampire sex looks like.      
• Oh, hello there Alcide!  You wear a henley better than Beeeel.  And you're all kinds of hotness even when you were getting the stuffing beaten out of you by Patrick Swayze's brother.  You are exactly what I imagined when I read the books let's just hope they don't turn you into a complete selfish asshole on the show.  
• Pam having her way with Yevetta: good.  The sound effects of what seems to be someone eating an apple and licking her lips after every bite made me fear for Yevetta's Estonian lady bits.  
• Eric and Lafayette!  Together!  Again!  More!  Please!  

The Bad

• The slow motion bullet.  Just because you have a big special effects budget doesn't mean you have to use it all the time, particularly in a way that suggests your audience isn't smart enough to figure out that the werewolf and not Eric was the intended recipient of the bullet.  The upside?  Seeing Eric's little post-feed fangasm when he tells Sookie that he got the rug all wet. 
• Should I care about Tommy Mickens?  Because I'm not feeling it.  He's just a bratty, possibly criminal douchebag at this point. 
• Yes, Sookie.  You are that stupid.  Case in point:  going into the champagne room with Patrick Swayze's brother.    

The Ugly

• Joe Lee Mickens' grey/brown/filthy tighty whiteies.  I was gobsmacked when he walked into Merlotte's wearing actual pants although they were the same dingy color as his Jockeys.  At this point, I'd be happy to see him in a pair of clean boxer shorts with a button fly.   
• Tara as a zombie based on the influence of supernatural creature.  Again.  
• Jason does does not want to be a cop.  But he's still a shitty friend.  
• Someone please help me to care about Sam.  Please!  
• Sookie's 1980's white lace top.  Gah.  My eyes!

True Blood Recap, 3.02 Beautifully Broken

Here's this week's The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly break down of True Blood 3.02, Beautifully Broken just as soon as I'm done staring at myself in the mirror in the ladies room with Pam.  Sorry it is late but I had a work trip and got a fellowship to finish my dissertation OH DEAR GOD I MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE TO GROW UP AND GRADUATE AND GET A JOB AND BE SCHOLARLY OR SOMETHING ALREADY. Needless to say, spoilers abound so don't read until you've watched it.    

The Good

• Russell Edgington, vampire king of Mississippi and there is just so much to love about him.  There's the white stallion, the gay bluetooth security mafia, the red waist coat, the "we don't need to say everything we think," the smarm, the accent, the wonderful creepiness of him.  I just wonder how he knows so much.  How does he know that Bill killed Sookie's kiddy fiddler of an uncle?  How in the holy hell does he know who Sookie is?  I wonder if he knows about Sookie's magic fingers of electric mysterious mysticism.   
• Lafayette works two legal jobs and hustles on the internets and sells V to support his mother's life at the looney bin?  I didn't think it was possible to love him even more -- because I'm a little bitch for him anyways -- but once again, his character proves to be one of the best changes from the books. Not to mention his whole exchange with Lettie Mae when he says that "You're too busy praising Jesus to realize that your daughter tryin to move in with him permanently."  I just want the other Jesus, you know the one who spits in Ruby Jean's food through those rotten cheese teeth, to be good for our boy.      
• Sookie and Jason's exchange about the existence of werewolves was For The Win!  But when she said, "I keep expecting him to come through the door and say Suuuukkeh" the scene became EPIC.  
• Passionate primal sex with Eric.  (Btw, welcome back book Eric)   
• Jessica, Jessica and Pam, Jessica with a chainsaw, Jessica spraying Lysol to cover up the scente of decaying trucker flesh, Jessica and her torment over Hoyt and her new killer nature.  Shall I go on?  
• What the fuck is Franklin Mott up to with those ugly assed cowboy boots?  Discovering a dossier on Sookie at Bill's?  Hmmmm it looks like they ARE keeping a plot point from the books. I don't really care, he just needs to keep being scruffy and talking in that sexy accent even though he looks sort of manorexic.  (Paging my bad boy fetish in 3...2...1...)
• Terri Belfleur because who doesn't have a funny cousin like that?  Plus, with an armadillo named Felix, what's not to like?  Granted, I find him way more compelling than Arlene but that's just me being picky.  

The Bad

• Bill with furry wolf ear between his teeth.  A genteel southern man like that should have better table manners.  
• Operation werewolf.  Seriously?  Eric and Godric in Nazi uniforms? I just....  well....  I've just accepted that there is no bridge too far for True Blood.  And that is OKAY with me.  
• I'm still not feeling the Sam and his long lost family story line.  How the hell does it fit in with the rest of the plot?  I just don't see it.  I suspect that the vampire blood as sacred thread is going to be what ultimately ties everything together but so far Sam doesn't really seem connected to that.   Aside from that, Sam's white trash family live in what looks like my college boyfriend's house, replete with shitty furniture, empty beer bottles and a kickass television.     

The Ugly

• The amber glowy werewolf eyes.  Isn't it enough that they can become wolves? 
• Tara and the substance abuse and the self loathing.  Again.  WTF happened to season one Tara?  I miss you.  When Tara asks "What the hell is wrong with me," my internal bullshit meter says PLENTY but it is mostly the fault of the writers.  And then Franklin holds the rednecks while she beats the shit out of them.  It's like Maryanne all over again.  Also: Why is Tara's whole character since season 1 totally determined by her boyfriends? We wimmens have more to life than our boyfriends.  Just saying...   
• Jason and Andy.  At the end of last season I was stoked for a story line of the two of them together fighting crime on the mean streets of Bon Temps.  Now?  Not so much.