Every Tuesday night rolls around and I have this strange hole inside of me. I miss Sons of Anarchy. More importantly, I miss recapping Sons of Anarchy like crazy. I've been toying with the idea of recapping True Blood Season 3 as a little warm up. You know, just to get the snark juices flowing again. Don't get me wrong. I love the show. If there was ever a television show set in a small town that needs--deserves--a bit of snark, True Blood is it. But then the so-called, Drop of True Blood: Bill Compton edition hit the internets today... and well, I just can't resist. The 4:30 minute long minisode is below, followed by my recap.
True Blood: Season 3 - Bill Minisode
HBO | MySpace Video
Mysterious and urgent knocking brings the slightly damp, open-robed vampire Bill Compton to the door of his antebellum home that I can only assume is still standing because the termites are holding hands. And who can that be, knocking at Bill's door? Only Joanna Smallwood née Bushey I swear the writers must have been stoned when they came up with her name from the local jewelry shop. While open-robed Bill remains open-robed, Joanna drops an inappropriate comment about her ex-husband's Small Wood. Get it? Ha-Ha. It must have been Mauie Wowie and Cheetos for lunch in the writers room. Anyways... Blah, Blah, Blah. A lame joke about an actual box of gems containing "real gems" and then open-robed vampire Bill selects a diamond set in yellow gold for Sookie. You know because yellow gold is soooo popular among brides-to be these days. After Joanna Smallwood née Bushey encourages Vampire Bill to JAM THE RING ON MY PINKY FINGER, he uses his sexytime vampire powers of glamor look it's part of the mythology, I'm not making this shit up to get her to fess up that she wants him to, "Ravish me right here on this velvet couch and take me gently, but not too gently, the way a pirate would." Like. A. Pirate. Would. Seriously, you can't make this shit up. I actually had to pause it I was laughing so hard and then I replayed it about 3 times just for the lolz. So how does open-robed Vampire Bill capitalize on the "offensive" objectification? By getting the ring at cost, of course! You know, like any slick 21st Century vampire would, right? Bill Compton, you total square, get your bad self over to Dillards to buy some more brocade bathrobes.
I'm so conflicted! I really want you to do recaps b/c I know they will be awesome, but I'm to cheap to get HBO and I'm still on S1 of TrueBlood. I will be tempted to read them and will probably give in. Bummer!
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