The Questionnaire: Filip Telford

Next up on in the series of Sons of Anarchy meets Inside the Actors Studio, Filip Telford, more commonly known as Chibs.  I kept hearing Chibs' voice as I was writing this post so the imagined answers are written how I hear it:  that thick Scottish accent spoken just a little too loudly.    


What is your favorite word?
SCOTLAND


What is your least favorite word?
NOMAAADH


What turns you on?
FIIONNA, A GOOOOD FIGHHT, REVENGE SERVED HOT, ANDH HAVIN MY BEST PAL JACKEY-BOY'S BACK


What turns you off?
IRA BULLLLSHHIIIT 


What sound or noise do you love?
THE SOUND OV KERRIANNE'S VOICE AND THE SOUNDS OV A PARRTY AFTHER CHUURCH


What sound or noise do you hate?
THE SOUUUNND OV THAAT BASSTAHRRD JIMMHEY O's VOICE


What is your favorite curse word?
MIC-BASSTAHRRDS


What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
SOUPERRVISOR OV PRODUCTION AT CARRAAH-CARRAAH OR AH BOXIN' TRAINER


What profession would you not like to do?
A FECKIN' COP


If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when arrive at the Pearly Gates?
WELCOME, BROTHA.  JIMMHEY O IS HAVIN RED HOT POAKHERS STUCK UP 'IS ARSE IN HELL RIGH' NOW.


Next on deck for the Questionnaire?  Happy!  

Trying New Things Might Be Good: Justified?

I'm kind of excited about Justified which premiers next month on FX -- March 16 to be exact.  And is it just me or is FX becoming the go-to network for reliably high-quality programming?  It's like the HBO of 2002 without the f-bombs.  From the official website, the premise of the show is:

Justified is the story of Deputy U.S. Marshal Raylan Givens, a true-blue hero and something of a throwback, given to wearing a Stetson and cowboy boots, carrying his sidearm in a hip holster – a weapon he only draws when he has to, and when he does, he shoots to kill, because, as he sees it, that’s the purpose of a gun.  Raylan was born and reared in the hill country of eastern Kentucky.   It was in Harlan where he played ball, chased girls and dug coal.  And it was from Harlan, at age 19, that he ran, determined to become a U.S. Marshal.  Now, years later, after shooting a gun thug in a Miami hotel and thereby incurring the wrath of his Marshals Service superiors, Raylan has been sent in punishment (and by fate?) to the one place to which he vowed he would never return – Kentucky.      

Anyways... there are several reasons to be excited about Justified.  It's got some serious crime fiction roots.  Justified is based on Elmore Leonard's character Raylan Givens who appears in short stories, notably "Fire in the Hole."  Living under a rock?  Haven't read any of Leonard's books or short stories?  Well then certainly you must have seen 3:10 to Yuma, Get Shorty, or Out of Sight.      

Still not excited?  Take a look at a clip

It's also got one helluva promising cast.  Specifically, Timothy Olyphant who plays Givens. You might recognize him from Damages, Deadwood, or one of my most favorite movies of all time... Go.  (Go lives on in the Dee household pop culture references.  When reading the Sunday paper, either the LSH or I will say "And it's always there, in the lower right hand corner, just waiting to suck," referring to the Family Circus.  It's a direct line from the film and Olyphant's character was the one who said it.)  Plus the characters that Olyphant tends to play have a wry, tough, wicked, sexiness about them that I just kind of dig.  


Also-also!  It's set in the South, ya'll.  Harlan County, Kentucky to be exact.  Ever hear of Harlan County, USA?  You know, the documentary where coal miners went on strike against Duke Power in the 1970s and it nearly resulted in a war.  It's an interesting real-life setting with lots of grit.  I have a feeling it might evoke the Southern Gothic in a very interesting way.          


Yeah, I'm in.  Will you be watching? 
        

The Questionnaire: Bobby-Elvis

Next up in the Sons of Anarchy Questionnaire series:  Bobby "Elvis" Munson.  You can catch up on Tig and Gemma if you missed either of those.    



What is your favorite word?
Spoken to me?  Brother.  In my own head:  organic unbleached wheat flour.  


What is your least favorite word?
It isn't just a word, it's the phrase:  ""This is on you."  It is so counterproductive to the Club when Jax and Clay use that term to assign blame.


What turns you on?
The ins and outs of porn business... so to speak, chocolate chip cookies, and standing up for what is right even thought it isn't popular.  


What turns you off?
Harassing Tig for his dues.


What sound or noise do you love?
The opening chords of Suspicious Minds by The King


What sound or noise do you hate?
The sound of of Piney wheezing - it breaks my heart.  


What is your favorite curse word?
Damnit.  


What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Pastry chef


What profession would you not like to do?
CPA.  There are too many rules when it comes to keeping a legal set of books.  


If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when arrive at the Pearly Gates?
Would you like to meet The Man from Memphis?


Next Sons of Anarchy character up on deck?  Chibs!  Since there is no surprise, let's turn the comments section into a little laboratory.  I ask you, all three of my loyal readers, what is your favorite word?   The comments section awaits... 

A Sons of Anarchy Fanifc Challenge

Wow! So... I have totally been demonized on my own fucking blog because I dared to critique a piece of Sons of Anarchy fanfic.  Who the fuck do I think I am?  Only one of the smartest bitches you will ever come across.  Someone who can string at least two coherent sentences together while using proper punctuation to write a blog, that's who!  If you need to catch up click here.  Anyways, this is the comment in question with punctuation preserved for posterity:    

Liz said...

Who gives a fuck about her opinion [Name excluded to protect the innocent]?It's pretty obvious that she's the kinda girl that get's off making personal attacks on others.Makes her feel special ya know. 

This would totally bother me if (1) I didn't have thick fucking skin from enduring daily criticism of my work from people who actually have shaken my hand; (2) It contained even a hint of the truth; and (3) Uh, "personal attacks" is soooo not what my blog is about.  Yeah, Liz.  I'm totally making an example of you.  It stops here and and it stops now.  Although, I do love all the page views and site visits ya'll are generating.  Bravo!  {{Golf Claps}}  It's my blog.  If you don't like my opinion then stop reading, start your own blog, or shut the fuck up.  


How to remedy this without alienating some of my readers?  I like to be constructive when faced with a challenge so here goes:  I fucking hate fanfic.  I think it represents the gross, festering underbelly of any fandom.  This is your official, engraved invitation to prove me wrong!  Post your links to what you consider to be the best Sons of Anarchy fanfic if you dare in the comments section and I will read it, evaluate it based on grammar, punctuation, style, plot, and content.  This is your opportunity to convert me.  Have at it! 


Also:  tomorrow we return to our regularly scheduled programming.  
      
ETA:  As of 11:06 pm on 2/23/2010 no one had chimed in.  All you lurkers must be scared.


  






    

The Questionnaire: Alex Trager

Next up in the series of imagined answers to the Inside the Actor's Studio Questionnaire, THE Alex Trager.  Otherwise known to Sons of Anarchy Fans and all that love and fear him as Tig.  If you missed the first installment in the series, you can catch up here with Gemma.  

What is your favorite word?

Brotherhood

What is your least favorite word?

Betrayal

What turns you on?

Mortuaries, Revenge, Loyalty 

What turns you off?

Guilt

What sound or noise do you love?

The soothing sound of a stockyard

What sound or noise do you hate?

"DROP YOUR WEAPON AND GET DOWN ON THE GROUND"

What is your favorite curse word?

Goddamnit

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

Crime scene cleaner

What profession would you not like to do?

Anything where I don't get to work with Clay every day

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when arrive at the Pearly Gates?

Your taco two-for girls are waiting for you 

Who should be next?  Again, you tell me!   This time, I'll do the next 5 in the order they are suggested in the comments section.  Go!

The Questionnaire: Gemma Teller-Morrow

If you have ever watched Inside the Actors Studio on Bravo, then you know that the host always ends the interview with the same set of questions.  The questions are an adaption of Proust's Questionnaire by way of Bernard Pivot.  (Look, I don't know how it got adapted but look here if you want more information.)  This is a first post in a series of how the Sons of Anarchy characters might answer the questions.  Of course I'll start with what I think Gemma's answers would be because she is my favorite.  Here goes.. and for clarity, the questions are in bold and the answers are in plain text.  


What is your favorite word?

Family

What is your least favorite word?

Truth or honesty.  Take your pick.

What turns you on?

Control, firing guns to blow off steam, community fundraisers

What turns you off?

Vegetarians and hot flashes

What sound or noise do you love?

The sound of my whole family dinner around the table

What sound or noise do you hate?

The sound on Tara's voice when she whines about keeping her personal and professional lives private.

What is your favorite curse word?

Bitch or Shit.

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Chief Executive Officer or Consigliere

What profession would you not like to do?
Librarian 

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when arrive at the Pearly Gates?

You were right, I did want you to be a fierce mother.  


Next up?  You tell me!  I'll do whoever makes the first suggestion in the comments section with one exception:  not Jax.  I'll save Jax for last.     

OMFG: Sons of Anarchy Fanfic

My Sons of Anarchy withdraw continues to rage and it has driven me to desperate measures.  That's right:  fanfic.  I was a fanfic virgin.  I probably wouldn't have sought it out unless @Cassismyname hadn't dangled it right in front of me during a weak moment.  So this little gem from the underbelly of the Sons of Anarchy fandom is called "Charming Pawse."  You can find Book 1 of Charming Pawse here.  Just for clarity, any excepts from the actual story are italicized in block text.


So the whole premise of this work is that a recent widow moves to Charming opens up a very cat-friendly coffee shop and finds tru lruv with Tig.  Unsurprisingly her name is Cat, she likes to wear a lot of black clothes, and she rides some sort of crotch-rocket bike. In describing her plans for her coffee shop in downtown Charming she says:

There would be no high speed wireless internet, but she did set up a trio of computers with internet access. She also took the precaution of putting blocks on the internet so youngsters couldn’t get onto any pornographic or other adult web sites.

Ut oh.  I thought fanfic was supposed to be naughty.  I didn't really know that kids spent a lot of time drinking coffee and searching for porn in public places but whatever.  This is starting to read like fanfic my mother would write.     


So Cat gets her business open and Tig comes in for coffee.  Black coffee.  I think that makes sense and is consistent with his character.  After a few curious encounters our heroine, she insists on calling Tig "Mr. Trager" and it warms the cockles of his creepy, animal and corpse fucking heart.  

‘Mr. Trager’, he thought to himself, allowing the bike to idle for a few moments. It had been a long time since anyone had referred to him as ‘Mr. Trager’, except in court where there was no respect in the use of the title.

Okaaaaay.  (Also, that is not my terrible punctuation.)  That totally doesn't sound like Tig to me at all but what the fuck do I know.  Also, I should watch my language because Cat doesn't like profanity:  

“What the fuck?!?”

“Tsk-tsk” she remarked in response to his ‘F bomb’. “Watch the language, please. I’ve found that ‘frack’ makes a good substitute when one is in mixed company.”

Mom?  Are you sure you're not writing this?  I know I programmed the SOA season pass on your Tivo but really I did that for Dad.   Frak is some way for nerds to tell other nerds that they watch the same show when they are fake cursing.  


So, blah, blah blah 10 minutes, a few appearances by Chibs in the coffee shop for tea, a vodka martini for me, and a LOT of skimming later, Cat gets a flat tire on her rice burner and guess who shows up to help this damsel in distress?  That would be Mr. Trager.  And after some totally epic fail attempts at making Cat sound like an independent woman who can take care of herself, she hops on the back of Mr. Trager's bike and they head back to town.  

The roar of the engine and her headache lulled her to sleep. Trager felt her body relax against his and raised a hand to check her hold. He found her fingers were still locked into his vest, holding on as if for dear life.

He could feel her even breathing as she slept. He liked how she felt against him. She might be older than he preferred, but she had a lot going for her, and she fit quite nicely against his back.

Oh. Dear. God.  It's beginning.  I can sense the sexing coming.  

He’d told her she should stay away from him and left her. Kiss or no kiss, she doubted he’d be back. She was just making a mountain out of an ant hill.

What the fuck is this?  Fucking Twilight?  Please don't let it be all chaste and angsty.  I was really hoping it would take some gnarly turn where Tig slips Cat some Ruffies so he can role play that she is the corpse he felt up in Season 1. Not that I'm into that but if you are going to write some Tig fanfic, then write some sick Tig fanfic.  The way this is going, it seems like Tig is more Edward Cullen than the Alex Trager we've come to know and fear/love.  MOM?  Are you sure you're not writing this??!?!?!  WAIT:

Cat surrendered herself to whatever was going to come.

And boy, did she ever.  In a shower scene.  Go read it.  Because really, I feel like I am going to have to bathe in Clorox now and slather on Purell afterwards.  Now, I don't know if the author did this on purpose to make up for the Epic Shower Scene of Tru Lurv, but the the succeeding story elements made me laugh so hard that the LSH took my second martini away: 

• A road trip in a PT Criuser (which is what the LSH's mom drives) where Tig complains about how the bucket seats get in the way of extracurriculars.  Clearly he a fan of this song.    
• Gifts of cat themed jewelry. Aside:  What the fuck is it with cat people and cat themed tchotchkes? I just don't get it.
• A family history of mental illness, which isn't funny but how the author manages to bring in Post Traumatic Stress disorder is highly questionable.

And then something happened that made me DIE with laughter:

“Either you snuck your knife in here, or you must be glad to see me,” she grinned impishly.

The LSH actually had to peel me off the floor and revoke my vodka privileges for the rest of the night. Damnit. But it was THE cliche. But with a KNIFE. Which if you think about it is kind of fucking sick and scary. Even scarier: CAT AND MR. TRAGER GOT MARRIED and then went to see some Phantom of the Opera bullshit. What year is it? 1993? POTO? (Actually, go read that recap of Phantom of the Opera for much lolz). Really?


Basically, at this point in my read of Charming Pawse, Book 1, (OMFG I can't believe there is more of this shit. I'm so not going to read any more of it after this. There is only so much one person can take with or without vodka.) I've laughed, been appalled, I've questioned whether my mother has written this drivel. But then THIS happens:

Despite her gastrointestinal distress, she didn’t refuse him. He needed her to flush out whatever was troubling him, and so she willingly submitted to him.

“It didn’t hurt, that’s the thing. Being a little physically sore isn’t hurt. You didn’t hurt me where it counts, dammit!” She was crying from frustration now, and that just made her more frustrated.

Wait.  What.  Hold up.  Now kids, I know they don't teach this in 5th grade family living class but sex while having gastrointestinal issues is NOT ADVISABLE under any conditions because (correct me if I'm wrong here) sex is about mutual pleasure and not trying to make sure you don't shit the bed.  But wait, there's more!  Can we please get over the rape/pain fantasy mythology of sex?  It's discomforting to know that at least in this one case of poorly written infuriating fanfic the myth lives on, promulgating the belief that it's totally okay to have sex, even if you don't want to, because your partner requires some release.  NOT HEALTHY.  Also-also IT TOTALLY COUNTS if a man gives you an unintentional episiotomy and you CRY as a result of it.  YOUR LADY PARTS COUNT AS MUCH AS HIS NEED FOR "RELEASE."  DUMBASS.  


I'm done with this shit.  I'm so unbelievably pissed.  And there is no way that Mom-Kayteadee would ever write this. Is if fucking September yet?  Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ.  Where the hell is my bottle of vodka?  


         

Sons of Anarchy News?

Yeah, I totally tricked you with the title.  The news is that there is no news.  Just a long, painful gulf of time between now and September.  But!  There are a few interesting links to fill our time.  Only 7 more months to go.  Dear Sweet Baby Able, I've resorted to fanfic.  But I'm totally going to make you wait for a blog post on that one.....  Mwahahaha.  Also, Gemma's sunglasses are in my sights.  Soon my pretties, soon.

Entering the category of Sons of Anarchy newbies, Television Zombie has a review of Season 1 of SOA. Welcome to the club.  Nice of you to get with the times of 2 years ago.  Spare me the bellyache when you blow through Season 2 and then have nothing left to do for like a whole month before Season 3.  Pshaw!

From the shameless fangirl department, you can always go pick up your Mrs. Charlie Hunnam keychain.  That thing kinda makes me laugh but also makes me shake my head in dismay.  Also, in the shaking head category:  Kurt Sutter's house is apparently on the market but I'm not going to link to it because, frankly it totally gives me the fucking creepers on an invasive personal level.    

The SAMCRO Podcast, featuring Angela in Minneapolis and The Crow Blogger has a new installment discussing women in MCs.  Meanwhile, Girl of Mayhem has a new Sons of Anarchy podcast which is quite good so go give her a listen.  Speaking of podcasts... there is a tv.com podcast where they sort of discuss Sons of Anarchy but really, their discussion is so thoughtless and piss poor, that you should only endure their prattle if you are seriously desperate.  The shit I endure for this blog.  If you must, start at minute 23:00  

Tangentially related: Drea De Matteo, who played Wendy in Season 1,  has adjusted to being typecast as a stereotypical Italian American. Uh paging Snookie.  But no mention of SOA.  Was she typecast as Wendy because she has sort of played tough women, regardless of ethnicity?  Discuss amongst yourselves.

Looking forward to Season 3?  Rippin Kitten has a nice round up of the Season 3 spoilers and speculation.

And last but certainly not least, my pals over at Sons of Anarchy Portugal did a fantastic interview with Michael Marisi Orstein who plays Chuckie on Sons of Anarchy.

Also.  Post Script:  The LSH is tweeting and blogging.  Go pester him into writing a guest blog post.