True Blood: Release the Snark?

Every Tuesday night rolls around and I have this strange hole inside of me.  I miss Sons of Anarchy.  More importantly, I miss recapping Sons of Anarchy like crazy.  I've been toying with the idea of recapping True Blood Season 3 as a little warm up.  You know, just to get the snark juices flowing again.  Don't get me wrong.  I love the show.  If there was ever a television show set in a small town that needs--deserves--a bit of snark, True Blood is it.  But then the so-called, Drop of True Blood:  Bill Compton edition hit the internets today...  and well, I just can't resist.  The 4:30 minute long minisode is below, followed by my recap.    

True Blood: Season 3 - Bill Minisode

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Mysterious and urgent knocking brings the slightly damp, open-robed vampire Bill Compton to the door of his antebellum home that I can only assume is still standing because the termites are holding hands.  And who can that be, knocking at Bill's door?  Only Joanna Smallwood née Bushey I swear the writers must have been stoned when they came up with her name from the local jewelry shop.  While open-robed Bill remains open-robed, Joanna drops an inappropriate comment about her ex-husband's Small Wood.  Get it?  Ha-Ha.  It must have been Mauie Wowie and Cheetos for lunch in the writers room.  Anyways...   Blah, Blah, Blah.  A lame joke about an actual box of gems containing "real gems" and then open-robed vampire Bill selects a diamond set in yellow gold for Sookie.  You know because yellow gold is soooo popular among brides-to be these days.  After Joanna Smallwood née Bushey encourages Vampire Bill to JAM THE RING ON MY PINKY FINGER, he uses his sexytime vampire powers of glamor look it's part of the mythology, I'm not making this shit up to get her to fess up that she wants him to, "Ravish me right here on this velvet couch and take me gently, but not too gently, the way a pirate would."  Like. A. Pirate. Would.  Seriously, you can't make this shit up.  I actually had to pause it I was laughing so hard and then I replayed it about 3 times just for the lolz.  So how does open-robed Vampire Bill capitalize on the "offensive" objectification?  By getting the ring at cost, of course!  You know, like any slick 21st Century vampire would, right?  Bill Compton, you total square, get your bad self over to Dillards to buy some more brocade bathrobes.    

The Questionnaire: Tara Knowles

Next up in the series of Sons of Anarchy characters meet the Inside the Actors Studio questionnaire, Dr. Tara Knowles.  To catch up on basically everyone else except for Clay and Jax click here.  Fuuuuuuuck.  I thought these posts would last until at least August.  Damnit.  

What is your favorite word?

SAMCRO

What is your least favorite word?

SAMCRO

What turns you on?

Jax in the shower, pistol whipping bureaucrats, and knocking boots next to dead ex-boyfriends 

What turns you off?

Porn bitches.  Buy Lyla is sort of growing on me - like a fungus.

What sound or noise do you love?

Babies cooing, the sound of a pistol firing when I'm blowing off steam with Gemma, and when the boys in SAMCRO call m Doc.

What sound or noise do you hate?

Gemma's voice when she gets all preachy about my status as Jax's Old Lady.  But deep down I know she's right.   

What is your favorite curse word?

Shit.  Like everyone else on this show, we're not allowed to say "fuck" on basic cable. 

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

Nanny or pre-school teacher.  I love babies.  They give me the warm cozies and keep my dark side at bay.   

What profession would you not like to do?

Anything where I couldn't be around kids.  Have I mentioned that I looooooooove babies?

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when arrive at the Pearly Gates?

The way things are going, I don't know if I'll be able to take cure enough sick babies to make up for the things I've done to get into Heaven.

Alert! Alert!

Kurt Sutter has published a new blog post about the mythology associated with the family flaw, gun running, and the Belfast Chapter of Sons of Anarchy, also known as Sam Bell.  It offers in interesting look inside how SAMCRO got in the gun running business.


Here's an an excerpt:

Thomas' childhood was a series of tests, treatments and hospital stays.  Not only did it have an emotional toll on John and Gemma, it created a huge financial burden as well.  Up until that point, the Redwood Originals had been involved in some illegal enterprises, but not guns. 

Continue reading here.

What do you think?  What do you think it might mean for season 3?
  

Sons of Anarchy Season 3 - New updates

With the premiere of Season 3 of Sons of Anarchy a mere 119 (or 126 depending on how you estimate it) days away, great yet not completely satisfying because the wait is killing me little bits of news keep emerging.

First, we have some episode titles!  There has been no word on a title for 3.01.  My guess is that The Prince of Charming Loses His Shit After The Kid was Kidnapped might be a bit too on the nose for Sons of Anarchy.  However, we know that 3.02 is titled Oiled and 3.03 is titled Caregiver.  

Second, casting news!  The Master of Darkness, Stephen King will be making an appearance on Episode 3.03   as a "quiet loner" who helps Gemma in her time of need.  Apparently King is a fan of the show.  What exactly is Gemma's need? (Get your minds out of the gutters, ya dirty pervs!  You know Gemma has the Mojave vajayjay going on.)  I'm guessing it might have something to do with her gun-happy father, general shenanigans from being on the lam with Unser, or perhaps the emergence of the mythical bounty hunter plot point.    

In addition, James Cosmo, you know... Renton's dad from Trainspotting, has been cast to play Kellan Ashby. He is an Irish priest connected to the RIRA whose character arc will last for 8 episodes.  Just a little aside here, but fucking A with the background research on Irish politics and resistance groups because Sinn Fein, the Provisional IRA, and the Real IRA are so clearly distinct, unique groups (sarcasm added).  I mean, the LSH's parents are from Dublin so it's not like I'm completely ignorant when it comes to Irish independence concerns.  Anyways, I wonder if Kellan Ashby and Maureen O'Nolastnamereleasedyet know each other.  Me thinks yes.    

In other news, sons-of-anarchy.net has the first fan photo from the Season 3 set up.  Mosie on over there and check it out if you want to see whether Charlie Hunnam still has that freaking Jesus Cobain beard.

Don't forget to fire up your credit cards and pre-order your copy of Sons of Anarchy Season 2 on DVD and BluRay.  No release date yet, naturally.  In the meantime, check of the Girl of Mayhem podcast.  She does great character analyses and some pretty serious recaps.    

The Questionnaire: David Hale

Next up in the Sons of Anarchy characters meets the Inside the Actors Studio Questionnaire series:  Deputy Chief of Police David Hale.  To catch up on the earlier installments in the series click here.  Now, on with the show!

What is your favorite word?

Law

What is your least favorite word?

Necessary Evil

What turns you on?

Staying on the right side of right and wrong, smug righteousness, clandestine workplace romances.   

What turns you off?

Moral ambiguity.

What sound or noise do you love?

The sound of handcuffs clicking into place when I arrest someone.  

What sound or noise do you hate?

The sound of Harleys rumbling through downtown Charming.

What is your favorite curse word?

Damnit. But I prefer not to swear if I can help it. 

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

Chief of Police, Exterminator, or Mayor of Charming.  

What profession would you not like to do?

Criminal defense attorney. 

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when arrive at the Pearly Gates?

You mostly stayed on the straight and narrow, come on in.

Sookie Day!

Today, the 10th book in Charlaine Harris' Southern Vampire Mystery series is released.  I pre-ordered Dead in The Family from Amazon. I shelled out the extra cash for the overnight shipping because I have enough shame to keep me from rushing out to the bookstore like a deranged fangirl but I'm not completely shameless to the point where I will pay a premium to get it on release day. 

The UPS man tends to come late in the day so it should be in my hot little hands by 5:00 pm.  With rumors of Shakespearean endings floating around, I kind of suspect that a major character might be offed in this installment.  But I don't care.  I'm just excited for the book.  And it is a nice little obsession distraction for the Sons of Anarchy off season.  Thank God the LSH will be in Motor City, USA today so he won't be here to interrupt my reading make fun of my fangirl tendencies.      

I am woman-child, hear me roar!

I happily made it through another visit from my parents.  Really, my parents are awesome aside from comments about my hair (WHY IS IT SOOO DARK?  WHY IS IT STRAIGHT - IT DOESN'T LOOK RIGHT STRAIGHT!).  They escaped the cold snowy north to come down to celebrate my birthday, help out with a broken dishwasher issue, and complain that our air conditioning was too cold.  Birthday celebrations were a lot of fun, although I remembered that wearing 4 inch heels generally either makes me drink more or makes me feel the effects of alcohol a lot more drastically. While my mom sensibly went to bed at a reasonable hour, my dad, the LSH, and I stayed up drinking and bullshitting until 3:00 am on Saturday night.

Bright and early Sunday morning my mom decided it was time for me to go buy a new dishwasher. Let me back up here. Our dishwasher has been hurtling towards its inevitable demise since the day the builder installed that piece of shit when he built the house.

My mom hauled our two very hungover asses to Sears on Sunday morning.  My dad and I were hurting.  Looking at the bank of dishwashers I was clammy, sweaty, disoriented, and highly irritable.  My mom goes on and on about which options do I want, do I want adjustable racks, stainless or plastic inside, how many decibels, blah blah blah.  Who knew picking out a dishwasher could be so complicated?  During all of this, I look over at my dad and notice that he too is suffering.  He is actually sitting on the fake counter with his head tipped back and eyes closed probably praying for some sleep to make it all stop.

Finally, I muster up the energy to say to my chipper mom "Something that won't break, that is quiet, stainless exterior, and doesn't have any ugly buttons on it. Otherwise you pick.  I don't care."  Yeah, I totally ceded the dishwasher decision to my mother.  I am such a woman-child.  I just want things to work, I don't need to know all the details.  She picked one out.  We mercifully checked out with the help of an all-too perky clerk who informed us that my newly purchased dishwasher would be delivered on May 25.  May 25th?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?  WTF?  But before my ire could build, I just went limp.  The hangover sapped all the fight out of me.  Until then, it's hand washing (joy!) or paper plates (more likely).